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1. Went to bed the night before (still twenty-eight years old) crying and depressed because once again, this is not where I wanted to be when I was 29 years old. Still living with my parents, still working at a full-time job, still deeply in debt, still no children, and yet having worked harder than I could have imagined myself being capable of, that entire time. I feel like I’ve been stuck in 12th grade for seven years, and I just want to graduate already! I want to progress to the next stage of life, not run in circles while the years tick by.
2. Woke up twenty-nine, not crying, but still deeply sad. Not wanting to talk, smile, or put my shoulders back. Walking into work this way, I passed a penny on the asphalt of the parking lot. A small, sad smile tugged at the side of my mouth when I bent to pick it up – my birthday present from God. He still knows how to send a ray of sun glimmering into my path. I am grateful for a God like this.
3. Arrive, and my office at work has been birthday bedazzled. Streamers cover my window, a plastic tiara is taped to my computer monitor, and gifts and cards are stacked on the desk. A sign on the window says, “Happy Birthday Joy! Enjoy the last of your twenties!!!” The décor made me smile for the first time that day. The sign made me burst into instant tears (again), and hide behind my door, hoping not to be found for a while. I’m not ready for my twenties to be over. I haven’t accomplished half of what I thought I would have, despite having practically killed myself working for goals that never seemed to arrive. These are symptoms of someone with ADHD, yet I only have it vicariously through my husband.
4. Everyone takes their turn telling me how much they miss their twenties (and thirties), and how miserable life is now that they are aging. A friend just a few years older emails that my first birthday purchase should be a walker, because his body started “falling apart” the day he turned twenty-nine. My branch manager stops me in the lunch room to mention she was completely miserable when she was 28 and 29, turning thirty was awful, turning forty was hideous, and she wants to die when she thinks about fifty. This coming from a woman who looks and dresses like Barbie, and is as successful, beautiful, and put together as any mid-forties woman could hope to be. Thanks for welcoming me to my imminent death everyone.
5. During the day, get calls and texts from family and friends every few hours. Some of them are older than me, some are younger; all are wishing me “happy.”
6. Meet with our CPA to go over our taxes, which is actually a good moment in the day, because it reminds me that we have made some financial progress this year, instead of our historical regress.
7. Get a heartwarming email from my mom, remembering how happy she was the day I was born, and how much happier she has become being part of my life as an adult.
8. Benjamin takes me out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. He looks handsome and smells delicious. Dinner is incredible. I contemplate a margarita, but decide I am too depressed to be drinking. He gives me a hysterical card with talking characters to the effect of “bow to her birthday highness”, a lime green iPod shuffle, and – best of all – Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies (an entire box).
This is the best gift not because I love them (which I do), but because it means my ADHD husband has remembered something I love, and taken the trouble to get it for me, and deliver it to me on my birthday. In prior years, I sometimes get things that I don’t love (because he can’t remember what I like); or something that I like but not as much as something else (because he didn’t pick up on the hints of things I totally adore); or if he manages to remember he can’t figure out where to get it; or if he can figure out where to get it, he doesn’t get organized enough to actually have it in hand and wrapped on the day of my birthday. On several occasions I have received “I owe you” (i.e. it’s coming in the mail because I just ordered it yesterday) notes from him at Christmas or my birthday.
So getting the box of cookies wrapped, on the table, at dinner, on the day of my birthday is a major accomplishment for him. This speaks volumes, not only of how well his medication is working, but of how much he loves me, pays attention to me, and wants to care for me.
9. We spend some time talking about how I am feeling, and he is thoughtful and understanding. He emphasizes that it is important sometimes to enjoy the journey of life, and not be so consumed with doing things and accomplishing to-do lists. This is something I can learn from him, despite how much I resist this perspective of life. It’s one of the reasons we are good together.
10. Head home and crash in bed. Appropriate amounts of sleep usually help to ward off my brief bouts with depression/sadness, and I know this has not been happening lately. Benjamin and I spend a little time cuddling, and I feel safe and loved. As long as he holds me tight, my sadness and fears can slip into quiet places of my mind, and knowing that we have each other, we have a warm room and warm bed, we have a wonderful family, and the Lord has promised us a good future, I can hang on a bit longer.