It didn't that much really. It was pretty much the same pace, the same routine, as all the other days that happened these last couple months. But it was different, and everything did change.
I woke up, got dressed up, fixed my hair and makeup, something I hadn't done in six weeks. Then Jax woke up, so I dressed him, and gave us both breakfast.
Then I got in the car and drove to work.
And told my boss I wasn't coming back.
The next day, I posted on facebook, "First day at my dream job."
We used to have an IBC account, and one of the security questions was "What is your dream job?" That was easy: "Mom."
I've been out of college and in the work force for eight years. Six of those I spent at my current job. I learned a lot. I changed and grew. It was a great job for many, many reasons. A job many people would covet. But the great salary, nice co-workers, amazing benefits, and security weren't enough to keep me there. They pale in comparison to what lies ahead at my new job.
I know there will be hard days. I know this will be the most challenging, overwhelming, exhausting, long-lasting job anyone can have. I know I will want a vacation and not be able to take one. I know I will want to leave work and go home for the day, but I won't be able to, because I'll already be home. It may feel like the most thankless job I've ever had. But I'm hoping those days will pale in comparison to the joy and meaning of being with, and raising, our children.
I've been crying several times a week since the day Jax was born, dreading going back to work.
We didn't think it was possible for me to stay home. I'm still not sure it's possible. I guess it's not, in the natural, but somehow, I am convinced God will provide. We're not blindly hoping God will "provide" by dropping money out of the sky; we DO have a plan, it's just a very, very, very frugal plan. One that will stretch us thin, and teach us to rely on God's faithfulness, and our diligence.
When Jax was almost three months old, and my maternity leave was drawing to an end, my frequent tears turned into insomnia and near-panic attacks. I've never battled anything like this in my life, but since my husband has, I recognized what was happening. I broke down one afternoon after a sleepless night, and a sleepless nap, sobbing and screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs, alone in my bed.
My mom heard me, and rushed in to comfort me. "I don't want to go back to work; I just can't do it," I said, for the hundredth time. "Maybe you don't have to," she said slowly.
We prayed. We asked our immediate family and close friends to pray with us. I looked over our expenses for the fourth time, trying to find more places we could cut back. It just didn't seem possible.
A few days later, Benjamin got an email from his boss out of the blue. It complimented him on his work for the last year, and said a promotion and raise was coming soon. A week later, the official letter came in the mail, and included a $4,000 annual raise. If you believe in a God who wants to speak to His kids, this couldn't have come at a better time.
In the next two weeks, we talked it over several times, met with church pastors and our counselors, and prayed.
Which is how I found myself on Tuesday of this week, driving to my job to quit. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And yet somehow, one of the easiest.
This is what I've always wanted. As long as I can remember imagining my future, it always came back to being a mom. Staying home with my kids.
Now I have this amazing son, who is one of the most joyful babies I've ever met. He smiles all day long. He laughs and giggles, and interacts with everyone we come in contact with, smiling broadly when they greet him. He looks at me like he never wants to look away. I look back the same way. I nurse him to sleep, cuddling his warm body in my arms, gazing at his soft cheeks and sweetly closed eyes. And I cry. Not because I'm going to have to leave him, but because I'm not. Because I get to stay home with this precious gift, and go through the sorrows and joys that come with it.
The Lord has given me the desire of my heart. I'm not sure I could be happier.
This is how our family looked the day everything changed.
