New Crocs on clearance, happy birthday to me! Crocs Kadee in a red/orange color.
Digging through Jax's wardrobe trying to be sure I've photographed any of his winter things that I love to see him in that haven't made it to the blog yet. This is one. In fact, he has this identical shirt in a smaller size (3 months maybe?). Somehow we were given two of the same, in different sizes. I never photographed the smaller one when he fit in it, so I had to snap it now.
We've been back and forth with sleep progress. Finally had to resort to some crying in the middle of the night. I spent two or three nights up with him for an hour or two in the middle of the night, trying to get him to peacefully go back to sleep. Tried nursing several times, tried teething drops, tried rocking, tried putting in crib and patting on back while humming....and all those things that used to work, just didn't work.
I don't think that being awake in the middle of the night for an hour or more is good for either of us, and it's not something I'm willing to do as a parent.
So I did what I haven't wanted to do, and haven't had to do, until this point, and left him to cry/put himself to sleep. I put the monitor in the other room, and went to sleep.
I woke up three hours later, and went to check on him. I walked into his dark room quietly, and startled myself by seeing him SITTING UP. Three hours later. I touched him gently, and his body felt totally still. I realized he was asleep. Hunched over, arms hanging at his sides, chin on his chest, ASLEEP SITTING UP. I felt like the worst mother ever as I gently laid him down. He cried out for a moment, then went back to sleep.
The second night, he didn't have to cry, because he nursed and went right back to sleep like he used to. The third night, I had to leave him to cry again. I went back in an hour later, and he was again, asleep sitting up. I felt so terrible, again, and gently laid him down. He started crying again as I left the room, and I just felt sick. This was exactly what I didn't want to do. But I had exhausted my other options, and this is where we were. He wouldn't nurse to sleep, he wouldn't rock to sleep, he wouldn't be patted to sleep or hummed to sleep. He was just staying awake for hours in the middle of the night without being soothed back to sleep. I had resolved his basic needs by nursing him, making sure no surprises were in his diaper, and giving him teething drops. He was still awake. Still refusing to go to sleep.
The third night, he cried for five minutes. I checked on him an hour later, and he was asleep LAYING DOWN!!!!! Hallelujah. The fourth night, he cried for two minutes.
The fifth night, he cried for a minute or two, then quiet for five or ten minutes, then cried a minute or two, then quiet five or ten minutes. This continued for an hour, at which point I went in and tried to nurse him, since this behavior seemed unusual give the past few evenings. He didn't want to nurse. He fell asleep in my arms. I put him down, and he cried. I left. He continued with the sporadic crying another thirty minutes, at which point I gave up and brought him in bed with us. He finally nursed, then slept for four hours straight.
Tonight, he nursed and nursed at bedtime, but didn't nurse to sleep. So for the first time, I had to leave him to cry at bedtime, rather than in the middle of the night. He cried less than ten minutes and is (hopefully) now asleep.
This week has been really tough for me. Leaving him to cry has been something I've tried so hard not to do. And honestly, I would still be willing to nurse him and put him down to sleep peacefully, several times during the night, if that worked. But it stopped working. And I just don't think it's best for either of us to spend two hours awake in the middle of the night on a regular basis. So he has to learn to go to sleep.
The things that I feel prepared us for this point, and make me "okay" with where we are:
1) He's eleven months old. He's not two or three or four months old. He's old enough to understand. He's old enough to figure it out.
2) He's spent a lot of time in bed with us, where he's had to put himself to sleep on his own. In bed with us, I'll let him nurse, but then I pop him off and he often cries a minute or two before falling asleep between us. So I know he is capable of going to sleep on his own, without being nursed or rocked to sleep. I know he's had practice going to sleep on his own, in the comfort of our bed and being close to us.
3) He's also physically well able to sleep through the night without nursing. He eats plenty of solid food during the day, and nurses several times during the day still. His calorie intake is high enough during the day time to sustain him.
4) I've willingly, even happily, nursed and soothed him to sleep gently and peacefully, many times a night, for as long as that was possible. I have been there for him, loved him, helped him, comforted him, during his many night wakings, for his entire life. I still would, if that was working to get him to fall asleep.
5) He still comes into bed with us around five or six in the morning, which is something all three of us enjoy.
6) At bedtime, I pray over him that he would be comforted by the Holy Spirit, by angels surrounding him... I command any tormentors to be cast out of his room and his dreams... And I sing over him in tongues. Spiritually, I truly believe this can provide the peaceful atmosphere, and the supernatural comfort that only the Lord can bring.
Clearly, he has responded well, which makes me feel that he was ready for this. I'm pleased with the progress we've made, and hope he quickly learns to go to sleep without crying. But I'll even take the minute or two of crying that he's been doing, as that is normal even for two year-olds.
Jax, you are loved, loved, loved, loved. Be comforted by the Holy Spirit as you learn to sleep peacefully.
