01 02 03 Down In My Heart Joy!: Me and Jax and our So-Far Journey of Extended Breastfeeding 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

Me and Jax and our So-Far Journey of Extended Breastfeeding

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Before Jax was born, I was determined to nurse him. My mom nursed me and all my sisters. My sisters all nursed their babies. God made a woman's body to nourish a baby growing inside her body, and outside it.  Our breasts may have other possible uses and stereotypes, but this is the primary one they were designed for.  Women throughout history and around the world have nursed, and many don't have another option.

We also know from plenty of current research, that breast milk is indeed the very best food for babies.  I won't go into all that research, because it's not my point.  But if there was any question as to which food would be the healthiest, most nutritious food for an infant, it isn't anything man-made - it is the one that mama bodies naturally make.

I also have very close friends who despite every desire, and every effort, were unable to breastfeed their babies for one reason or another. It could have been physical complications, it could have been an intense job that left them little time to pump, or a host of other reasons. For most of these friends, it broke their heart, as they changed their expectation of cuddling and nourishing their babies, to a different form.  They are lovely mamas who are close to their babies.  This post isn't about that, but I want to acknowledge it, to say to these friends and mamas like them, I love you and support you.

But this post is about my journey (so far) with Jax.

The first two weeks of his life, nursing was awful.  My entire body was in pain all the time.  My bottom ached from pushing out a 10 lb 4 oz baby.  My bottom was sore from a significant tear that Jax gave me by swinging his elbow out into fresh air, in advance of his body (his head came out without tearing me).  I couldn't sit on anything except a yoga ball and a super squishy rocking chair.  I couldn't stand up longer than 10 minutes at a time without my bottom aching so much I had to sit or lay down.

My breasts ached from being way too full of milk, probably enough milk to feed twins or triplets.  My nipples were sore beyond belief from his improper latch.  We could only nurse in this one chair, in this one position, with this one special pillow.  I didn't know how to nurse laying down (to get more sleep), or even how to nurse in a more comfortable position.

Jax wanted to nurse, not every three hours, but every 30 minutes to 2 hours at most, around the clock.  He was big baby, he was a boy, and he needed food.

I was of course, also a brand new mom, and fatigued beyond anything I thought possible, from day after day of interrupted sleep.  It had been one thing to be a college student during finals week, and sleep for snatches of time here or there, perhaps averaging 4-5 hours of a sleep in each 24-hour period.  But after a few days, I could sneak in a 6-hour slot, or a 2-hour nap.  This was no comparison.  Waking every 30 minutes to 2 hours, around the clock, for weeks on-end, gives no random chances for a 6 or 7 hour slot, for the body to get into deep sleep mode and recover slightly.  Being a busy college student in no way prepared me for the pain of new-mother sleep deprivation.

To be that exhausted, sitting on a sore bottom, with a baby's powerful vacuum-like suckle on a sore and cracking nipple, was pretty much beyond anything I thought could be physically possible for me.  I had a lactation consultant come to my home when he was 5 days old, and again when he was about 1.5 weeks old.  I was determined to be successful in nursing him, but the thought crossed my mind over and over again, "If a person wasn't 100% determined to do this, they would have given up a thousand times by now. And I would totally understand."  I finally understood why anyone who was on the fence about whether or not they would nurse, would just throw in the towel at some point during those first weeks.

Both lactation consultants were practically miracle workers. I now tell any pregnant friends they should just plan to have one come out to their home during the baby's first week of life, whether or not they think they need help.

While the first LC was at my home, I had my very first pain-free latch.  It was possible!  Relief.  Now to make that happen again, when she wasn't helping me.  Much harder.

When the second LC came, she had a higher degree of certification and training than the first, and she checked both Jax and I for physical issues that could possibly interfere with successful nursing.  She unrolled a funny-looking thing onto her finger that looked like a miniature condom, and checked him thoroughly inside his mouth for the slightest tongue tie of any kind, deformity, or anything unusual.  Birth attendants and hospital LCs are supposed to check these things too, but I had heard WAY too many stories of parents who found out months or years later, about partial tongue ties, lip ties, or other things, that went undetected, and had been a factor in unsuccessful nursing.  For an LC with the highest level of certification, they are a specialist trained in these sort of things, and it was calming to know it had all been checked out.  Nothing was wrong with either of us. We just needed to learn this thing, together.

Sometime during his third week of life, nursing slowly shifted from a dreaded, excruciating, frustrating event, into one of the easiest things I had ever done.  He and I both learned how to get him latched properly, without pain.  My nipples slowly healed.  My milk supply slowly shifted downward to meet his appropriate need, instead of over-producing like crazy.

I tried a bunch of nipple creams, and the most effective one still turned out to be the classic Lansinoh Lanolin in the purple tube, available at the grocery store or drug store.  (It is greasy and stains clothing, so beware that!).

On my LC's recommendation, I began nursing him at only one breast each feeding, rather than switching sides mid-feeding.  That quickly reduced my supply, which I needed.  I nursed him that way for most of his first six months, save when he was going through growth spurts, and increased his demand for a few days.

I stuck it out through two bouts of mastitis, both treated with natural means (drinking pureed garlic in carrot juice OH HOW AWFUL but effective).

I was ravenous all the time.  I could eat more than any adult male around me, at every meal.  I lost my baby weight, and then some, within a few weeks, which freaked me out because I didn't want to keep losing weight to an unhealthy place.

Weight loss or not, my body didn't look the same though.  My belly was still "poochy", and remained that way even when I reached my normal weight.  This was primarily due to diastasis recti, a condition where the abdominal muscles separate during pregnancy.  It happens in roughly 30% of pregnancies, and has to be managed by exercises, and in some cases, future surgery (not in my case).  My breasts were always uneven - one full, one empty, from nursing every-other-side at each feeding.  I went through times where my milk seemed not enough, and times when I was so engorged I would wake in the middle of the night in extreme pain.

We learned to nurse laying down, which significantly helped my sleep.  As Jax learned to sleep better at night, I had to re-learn how to sleep too.  My body would continue waking up constantly, even when he was not awake.  We co-slept for several months, then gradually moved him to a bassinet by the bed, to help me sleep better without waking at his every sleeping squirm.  When he was five months old, we moved him to his own crib in his own room, because he and I were still both waking each other up too frequently.  Just moving him to his own room caused both he and I to sleep better. I still got up and nursed him each time he cried, but he slowly woke up less and less.  By the time he was nine months old, he would sleep 7-8 hours at a time, without waking to nurse.  My body slowly adjusted, and started sleeping longer hours too.

By that point, the act of nursing was as easy as blinking my eyes.  It didn't hurt, and it was a cuddly time that I deeply cherished.  I'm affectionate by nature, and Jax is one of the most affectionate people I've ever known.

And that is probably the bottom line of why he is about to be two and a half years old, and is still nursing.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends exclusive breastfeeding for an infant's first year.  They suggest breastfeeding should continue for at least the first year, then as long "as is desired by mother and baby."  The World Health Organization (WHO), also recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months.  It then encourages breastfeeding until "age two or beyond."

I've received a lot of subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, comments from people, about the fact that Jax is still nursing.  People seemed to assume he would wean once I was pregnant.  Others are still assuming that he will wean before baby Noel arrives, or when this baby arrives.



Honestly, it is just as much a surprise to me, as anyone else, that Jax is still nursing.

From the moment he was born, he has wanted to nurse.  He has been voracious about nursing, and could ask for it by saying "nee nee" or "nah nee" before he was a year old.  I certainly didn't want to wean him before he was one, and since he had already learned how to ask for it by then, it was a bit hard to say no.

Before I had kids, someone once asked me how long I planned to nurse my children. I remember thinking, how could I know?!  I've never been pregnant before, let alone nursed a baby.  The best answer I could come up with was, "When they are old enough to help themselves."  What I didn't realize, is my sweet baby boy would be capable of "helping himself" by the age of five months.  At that point, he was physically able, and willing, to pull my shirt down and latch on, without any help from me, even from weird angles and positions.

I have plenty of friends whose child self-weaned when the mother was pregnant again.  Something about how the flavor or the amount of milk changes, and the child just slowly stops nursing.

In order to conceive Noel, I had to actively reduce Jax's frequency and duration of nursing.  He was getting most of his sustenance from regular food, but showed zero desire to wean.  I was slowly able to work him from "on-demand" feedings, to a structured schedule of nap time, bedtime, and wake-up time only.  I only allowed him brief "snacks" when he got hurt, was excessively tired, or upset about something.

He was born in March 2012, and my first period didn't arrive until January 2014, twenty two months later. This is relatively unusual, as most moms I know get their cycles back when the baby starts sleeping 7-8 hour stretches at night, and often cycles return sooner, despite exclusive breastfeeding.

Jax was really unhappy about the new structure introduced to his nursing, which was necessary to get my cycles to come back so we could work on a sibling for him. Sometimes I could distract him with food or water or play.  Sometimes I couldn't, and he would sob, tears streaming down his face, begging me for nursing.  "Please Mommy, please!!!!  Just a wittle bit of nursing, please Mommy!"

It was so anguishing for me to refuse him. Telling him, "A little bit later" seemed much easier for him to handle than, "No," but sometimes nothing worked except breaking his little heart.  This is not my idea of fun with a sensitive-spirited, cuddly, affectionate, otherwise-usually-cheerful toddler.

And this is why I haven't weaned him.

I haven't offered nursing to him in over a year.  He has to ask if he wants it.

And he doesn't forget.  He still asks.

He still asks every day at times that aren't within the structure I currently allow: naptime, bedtime, wake up time.  He asks anytime he gets hurt.  He asks anytime he is tired.  He asks if he is tired and hungry at the same time.  He knows how to ask for food, and even how to help himself from the refrigerator, but nursing is more than food.

In addition to his asking, he is prolific in his verbal affirmation of his love of nursing.  He tells me every single day, at one or more of our nursing sessions, with the sweetest voice and a happy smile, "I wike nursing!"  My response is always, "I like nursing with you too, Jax."  Often this is followed by, "I wike cuddwing!" or "You are sooooo cuddwy Mommy."

These days, we nurse laying down in my bed, or in his bedroom at night.  When he wants to change sides, he leaps / dives over me, I flip my pregnant belly to the other side, and he nurses some more.  Sometimes he tells me things like, "Dis nursing is awww empty.  Dah miwk is aww gone. I wiw twi dee other side.  Your body can make mow miwk fow me!"  And he leaps and dives across me, changing sides maybe 4-12 times in a fifteen minute nursing session.  My best guess is he's trying to keep the milk flowing, since supply naturally reduces during pregnancy due to hormonal changes.

One thing I read that made a lot of sense, is when pregnant and lactating, a woman's milk production is  affected by the hormone progesterone, which makes the milk ducts "leaky".  Even as she makes milk, some of it is reabsorbed into her blood supply.  This diminishes the quantity of milk available to the toddler, whether the toddler continues "demanding" it by ongoing nursing, or not.

In a normal breastfeeding situation, the milk supply is regulated by demand.  Demand by child. Supply by body. Increased demand; increased supply responds.  Decreased demand; decreased supply results.  During pregnancy, this doesn't hold as true, because pregnancy hormones are affecting milk production.

When a baby is born, the hormone prolactin is released, which tells the milk ducts to close up and hold all the milk in.  I've read that breastmilk changes to colostrum at some point during pregnancy.  According to what I can find online, this happens usually between 20-30 weeks. I've had friends who had colostrum adequate to pump a bit of it, by the last 4-6 weeks of pregnancy (when they were not lactating for a toddler).  Nursing pregnant mothers tend to notice the laxative effect of colostrum in their toddler's bowel movements (whoopee).

So I honestly don't know how long I will be nursing Jax.  My husband and I have had multiple conversations about it, and the only thing he minds is that my breasts are sensitive when I'm pregnant or nursing, and he can't do a whole lot of touching them.  But there's other nice things for he and I to do together, and he doesn't insist that I wean Jax if I'm not ready to.

Jax has told me that Noel can nurse "on the other side," while he is nursing too.  And that's fine.  Jax doesn't nurse like a newborn will (constantly).  He nurses a handful of times a day, for very short periods of time. We've talked about how the baby won't have any teeth, and can't eat food, but will only be able to have Mommy's nursing.  We've talked about how he will need to share nursing with the baby.  So even if I nurse them at the same time, it's going to most likely be infrequent, and for short periods of time.  At least, that's my best guess going into it.  But my best guesses going into nursing Jax have been pretty altered along the way, so I'm okay with my current tandem expectations being modified as well.  We will see.

We will see, just like we have seen for the last 2.5 years, how things develop.  I'm just not ready to break his heart.  I'm just not ready to have my sobbing toddler holding me and begging me to nurse him.  It's not a pacifier.  It's not a thumb.  It's not a sippy cup or a bottle.  It's my body.

And the fact that it's my body, not an object, carries with it so much more.  It carries with it a sense of connection, of security, of closeness.  It carries with it physical affection and appropriate touch for a child who would still like to be carried and held a substantial portion of his day.  It carries with it calm, peaceful moments where we lay down at intervals in our day, and are quietly together, often without talking, always without playing or tickling.  Just stillness and closeness.


It physically hurts, to nurse while pregnant.  I won't lie about that.  It doesn't hurt as badly now as it did in my first trimester, but it still hurts, mostly when he first latches on.  Sometimes enough to make me gasp.  Other times, hardly anything.  The breasts and nipples are so sensitive from the pregnancy hormones, that even a correct latch and suckle still hurts.

But I've done this other times when it hurt.  When I had mastitis, twice.  When I had thrush for a year (finally cleared that up a couple months ago with quadruple doses of probiotic capsules).  And I've done it many, many, many times when it didn't hurt at all, and was pure ease and joy.

This too will pass.  And I'm kind of hoping that it won't be so painful with this new baby, because my body will already be "used to" nursing, and the nipples won't need to "toughen up" like they did the first time.  And maybe I won't get so painfully engorged, if I can ask Jax to come nurse a bit and relieve some of the pressure.  But those are guesses.  More guesses that I know can be changed by whatever reality comes around.

If he self-weans before Noel is born, that would be fine with me.  If he doesn't, that will be fine with me too.  Will I nurse him until he is five or six years old, like this mother did with her three children?  I don't know.  In advance, I want to say, that sounds weird and I don't think I could do that, or want to do that.  But being a mom has changed me in so many ways. Has altered a million pre-conceived notions I had.

In the story I just linked, she nursed her three children until age six, and they are all are grown now.  They are normal.  They don't have any weird sexual problems or obsessions, neither her sons or daughters.  And most surprisingly of all, none of them have any memory of nursing.  Plenty of people remember things from age two or three or four.  But her grown children, who nursed until age five or six, don't have memories of nursing.

I don't have any friends or family who have nursed their children past about eighteen months.  I have met a handful of people who have nursed much longer, maybe 3-5 years old, but they are acquaintances, and not people regularly in my life. Just people I know about.

Most of the folks in my life already know I have a mind of my own, so I haven't had too many awkward comments about Jax's continued nursing.  And if I don't talk about it, most people probably don't know.

I don't allow him to nurse in public anymore, mostly because he pops on and off and switches sides constantly,  and of course refuses to have any sort of cover (um it's freaking hot here? and he can't look around? would you want to eat dinner with your friends and family with a blanket over your head?), none of which is ideal for retaining any sort of modesty.

Since Texas law protects nursing mothers, I'm not worried about modesty in the general public, but at church, or around friends or family, I at least try to get him on and off without flashing the world.  I'm more worried about the comfort of those folks, because I could really care less for myself.  My child is hungry. Or needs comfort. My body has food and comfort for him.  End of conversation.

And the same I guess is true now.  My child needs me.  I have the ability and desire to meet his need.  One day, when he doesn't need it anymore, we will stop.  Or one day if I get to a breaking point and can't do it anymore, we will stop.

Until then, I will keep taking it one day at a time.

One surprising day at a time, where I realize I am still nursing a two year old.  A two and a half year old.

I am still nursing a walking, talking, potty-trained child, while another grows inside my belly. All rather mind-boggling things I never expected to do.  But here I am, doing them.

There is no documented evidence that it hurts him physically, emotionally, developmentally, sexually, or otherwise.  There is documented evidence that it continues to support his immune system and provide him with some beneficial nutrition.  There is documented evidence that it benefits my long-term health in regard to multiple forms of cancer, bone disorders, and several other illnesses.  Cultures that regularly nurse children until age four and beyond, don't show related long-term or short-term problems in mother or child.

I didn't really decide to be here.  I just ended up here.  I'm not stuck; I have a choice.  But my choice is not to break my child's heart over something he still needs. Perhaps it could be argued he doesn't "need" it nutritionally.  But if he needs it emotionally and relationally... well, those are terribly valid needs that I'm okay with meeting in this manner.

So each day I lay down in bed and ask myself, "Am I willing to nurse him tomorrow?" And as long as the answer is still, "yes", then we walk forward for one more day, and wait to see what the day after that brings.


* First photo, credit to my Tita.  She snapped this in her home, with her iPad.  It's one of my favorites of us nursing.  Jax is thirteen months old.

* Second photo, selfie.  Jax is almost two.

* Third photo, credit to a friend. I was at a babywearing educational workshop, and Jax was completely overwhelmed by the number of strangers there, especially children, and sat in my lap nursing for a substantial portion of the workshop. Since we pretty much never nurse in public anymore, I was so happy when the friend posted this photo of us.  This was taken just a few days ago, almost 2.5 years old.

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