We had some lovely photos taken recently to document your growing life.... but you are as present with me as it's possible to be at this stage. You are squirmy and wiggly and flippy, I'm pretty sure even more than your older brother was. One difference I note is that you do indeed have distinct active cycles and sleep/rest cycles. I remember with him, feeling like he never let up on his movement.
You feel smaller so far than he did, so even at thirty four weeks, you have plenty of space to move all around. You've spent many days in a breech position, your head pressing hard up against my ribs and your feet kicking around in my pelvic area. You also seem to prefer a posterior position thus far, which means my belly is constantly full of your knees, elbows, hands, and feet, all over the place, unpredictable, strong, and wild. Not always so comfortable for me! But you finally relocated a week or so ago, to at least a semi-diagonal-head-down position, which is moving in the right direction. I am praying for you to position yourself in good birthing position (and stay put!) within the next few weeks.
Some things about carrying you that I want to remember....
I've craved salty and spicy foods.
My life is busier, as in, less time sitting down and thinking. It means that sometimes I almost forget that you are within me, until you start bouncing around and I think, "Well hello, Noel!" with a little smile. Then I remember again, how we are anticipating you.
With having children, there's things I think I thought it would "fix" in my life, and of course things I knew it would "break" (in a good way). Being a Mommy for the last two years has made me a different person than I was before.
But I have a similar anticipation to you - being YOU. Your big brother was an open-ended idea... we didn't even know his gender, let alone his personality, preferences, opinions, quirks. Some of the things we hoped for him, that he would be full of life and joy and creativity, have all been true. Other things were just a clean, white slate, ready for him to write his own story.
So it is the same with you. You will be different than he. Your gender, personality, preferences, quirks... and I try to hold in my heart, not the expectation of another Jax, but the expectation of Noel. A clean, white slate, ready for you to write your own story.
It's harder to do the second time around, but it's something always on my mind. To discover you day by day, the same way I did with him. Expectation-free. Heart wide-open. An open-ended journey of who are you, who are you becoming, and what is my part to play in getting acquainted with you and acquainting you to the world around you.
We are even planning your birth to be in a different room of the house. Most of the people invited to your birth day will be the same, unless perhaps your Aunt Mercy or Priscilla will be able to come, who were too far away last time to make it.
Your big brother is so enthusiastic about you. I know that you are still living primarily in his imagination, and the reality of you will be so different for him. But he needs you too, he just doesn't know it yet. You will help him grow up and become less selfish, just like he did for your Daddy and I. You will eventually play with him and the two of you can enjoy some of the best friendships available on earth - that of connected siblings.
He frequently wants to talk to you. If I change clothes and he sees my belly, he comes over to talk to you. Or sometimes he will pull my shirt up, lean his head against my skin, and talk to you. It usually goes something like this, "Hello baby Noel..." (giggles and smiles)... "This is Jax Reilly. I'm your big brother."
When he and I lay down in bed together to cuddle, or read books, or nurse, he is often close enough to feel you bumping and kicking around. Sometimes he exclaims in surprise, "Baby Noel is kicking me!" followed by his sweet laugh.
One day when I was cleaning the house and couldn't play with him, he told me he wanted you to be here NOW so he could play with you.
When other tiny babies come to visit us, he wants to look deeply into their eyes, often holding their shoulders or cheeks in both his hands, to establish connection with them. Recently he showed one of his favorite hot wheels trucks to a tiny baby - tried putting it in the baby's hand, and when the baby couldn't grab it, he set it gently on the baby's chest for the baby to see. I know he will be the same way with you.
I'm looking forward to cuddling you, nursing you, wearing you, smelling your sweet-scented hair, and discovering you.
Your brother has brought us more joy, laughter, and life, than we could have imagined, and I know you will magnify that experience in our home.
Besides praying for your health, safety, growth, and smooth delivery, I'm also praying for your heart and character and soul. That you would be filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit from a young age. That you would be passionate for His cause. That those who know you would be drawn to you, and thus to Jesus.
I had an experience early in my pregnancy with you, where I was in a group of people listening to a recorded sermon. In the message, the man was talking about how the power of God can be invited and poured out when we shout to Him. It's in the Bible, many, many times, but not something we practice too often these days. On the CD, he was prepping his audience, a crowd of hundreds, to shout all together, to God, on his cue. I was debating in my mind.... here I am with five other people, all passionate people who are crazy for God, but still, here we are sitting in a quiet room, listening to a pre-recorded sermon. What will happen? What will we do? Will we listen or will we participate? Will the moment of shouting pass by with us sitting quietly, or will someone jump up and yell out to God praise and adoration and celebration of His name?
I decided I wasn't going to wait to find out. Breaking out of my hesitant, indecisive self, when the preacher finished his countdown, I yelled, loudly, "Praise You God! We worship You! You are mighty! Thank you Jesus!" I lifted my hands toward heaven as I shouted, and felt almost what seemed like electricity shoot through my fingertips, down my arms and body, and directly into my womb. I continued shouting, and the others in the room quickly joined in, but I almost sat there stunned. I knew in that moment, you would live, you would exist, and you had already been filled with the power of God, for a life that has impact in the world.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you. Looking forward to seeing you discover God's beautiful world, even in its brokenness, and fighting for His cause of bringing it peace and healing and love. Be full of His power and passion little one; the world needs it.
