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Down In My Heart Joy!: I Can't Stop Crying | A Complicated Conversation that I would rather have with you in person but feel compelled to write about tonight
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Today, in a landmark decision, the Texas State Governor cancelled Medicaid funding in the state of Texas for Planned Parenthood, the leading abortion provider in the United States. The Governor has made it clear in his written statement that the state of Texas firmly supports both women's healthcare and unborn life.
Other states are mired in legalities over this topic, and everyone is bursting at the seams with their own opinion and idea of whom we should support, and how.
Abortion is, and will continue to be, a complicated conversation, and a legislative battle in our country.
When I was a senior in college, I worked at Super Target. It was our first year of marriage. I worked full time to support us, while Benjamin was a full time student. I was also finishing a few senior-level classes and my senior thesis.
A co-worker at Super Target had four children, all grown and around my own age. I remember talking to her one day about being a newlywed, and we got on the topic of birth control. I was saying something about how we were being extra cautious not to conceive at this time of our lives - both still in school, about to graduate in less than a year, and myself being the only income (besides my husband's work study job, which we all know how much those pay!).
She lightly said something to the effect of, "Well, if anything unexpected happens, you can take care of it easily." She told me after she and her husband had two of their children, they conceived an unexpected third. They were poor, and she was beside herself at the idea of another child, at that time of their lives. So she had an abortion. Later in life, they went on to have two other children, when they were more financially stable. She encouraged me that I shouldn't worry about birth control too much, because there was another option for an unwanted pregnancy.
I sat in my chair in the Super Target clerical office, completely stunned. I guess I had naively figured most women who have had an abortion, when they are "all grown up", they probably regret it, or at least wonder about their baby.
I couldn't help but wonder.... she had four healthy adult children. I'm guessing she loves her children, and has grandchildren from them whom she also loves. I couldn't reconcile the idea that one of her children, who would have been just as amazing and precious as the four living ones, never had a chance. If she had birthed all five of them, and lost that middle child when he or she was five, or ten, or eighteen - would she have had the same nonchalant attitude about that child?
If you are reading this and you've had an abortion, I love you. Whether you feel it was the right decision and stand by it; or whether you regret it and can't forgive yourself for it; or whether you have mixed feelings and thoughts because.... it was complicated then, and it's still complicated now. The last thing I will do is judge you for your reasons and your decision. Judgement doesn't breathe love, and love is what is breathed into every human life at its conception.
We don't fight civil wars anymore over issues that tear our country apart. Instead we post Facebook articles, write hashtags, send emails to our Senators, listen to media tell us what to think, gush with like-minded friends and un-friend people who don't agree with us.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I documented my pregnancy in a weekly photo blog. We had waited ten years of marriage, and I felt I had been waiting my entire life, to have a baby. We purchased an iPhone app called Sprout that gave us insight into what was developing with the baby on a week-to-week basis.
By the time a woman misses her period and takes a positive pregnancy test, the cells are in place that form the base of the child's brain. The baby is the size of an apple seed.
By ten weeks old, the baby is the size of a radish, has a head and skeleton, and can be seen in a sonogram DANCING.
I don't generally consider Facebook - or any online format for that matter - to be the right place to express my deeply held values or discuss inflammatory and complicated topics. I prefer to have deep, meaningful, heartfelt conversations face-to-face, where I can hear your story, you can hear mine, and we can understand each other. The human touch is key to resolving conflict; and Facebook, email, and text message don't do a great job with that.
You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. I don't have to agree with you to be your friend. I have friends of many faiths, genders, and nationalities. Our friendship or our business relationship doesn't hinge on our agreement about a slew of topics (otherwise, who would have friends?!).
What I want to be, as a human and a Christ-follower in this world, is to be part of the solution to the problems I see. I can't fix the world. I can't even fix myself and my own kids! The solution for me, is to support women, to support mothers, in the ways I know how. To be a playful partner to children around me. To be a better friend. To be a better parent. To love people who are lonely. To continue wrestling with the possibility of foster care or adoption in growing my family.
Because God is love and love comes from God. And there's a lot of hurting people who don't feel loved right now. Born and unborn. Those people - all of them - are where I am called to love and serve.
So today, I can't stop crying. For the babies. For the mothers. For the lonely people in our world today. For a raging conversation that tears friends and nations apart. For a desperation to see life and freedom where there is death and darkness. Oh God, would you give us more of Your love. Would You help me express more of Your love in this earth. The world needs Love.
