Tonight your Daddy and I were discussing how sedate we were
at four a.m. the morning I had a positive pregnancy test. He told me how he really wanted to shout and
be excited and happy. But instead, he
felt cautious, thinking maybe something bad would happen and we wouldn’t really
end up with a baby after all. At the
time, I felt similarly as well, which is why we both had such muted reactions.
I titled my head at him playfully and said, “Can we do that
morning over?”
Then I rushed into the bathroom, waited a minute, and
emerged slowly, a bit stunned, a bit awed.
Slowly, I spoke the same words I had voiced that early dawn,
“Honey, um, I just took a pregnancy test…. And… it was positive.”
Benjamin said now what he wished he could have said that
morning, “What?! That’s awesome!”
Me: (Jumping on top of him in bed, then jumping up and down)
“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it! This is
the best day! We are pregnant! We’re having a baby!”
Benjamin: (Hugging me so tightly) “I’m so happy!”
Both of us: laughing out loud, watery eyes, squeezing each
other close, tighter, tighter, tighter.
This is how we WANTED to react that morning, but we were too
hesitant.
Not hesitant anymore, we are full-out celebrating you, overwhelmed
and ecstatic that you have come into our lives.
Last week, I initially said you were the size of a fig, but
I had things mixed up. You were the size
of a key lime. THIS week, you are the
size of a fig! I had never seen a fresh
fig before until your Daddy bought one at the store for our photo. How colorful and beautiful it is! Dried figs are dark brown and squishy and
yummy, but the fresh one was firm, purple, green, and yellow. It was the first fruit in this series that felt
substantial in the palm of my hand.
This week synapses in your brain are forming and
connecting. This is SUCH an important
stage in development, especially for a family with genetic history of disorders
with brain synapses not functioning well.
There was a time when I was afraid to have children at all,
because there is so much history in our combined family of these types of
problems being passed down through the generations. I didn’t want to have a child, or children,
who would struggle with these challenges, because they can make life so hard.
At some point, I realized there are so few things about the
development of a child that can be externally controlled. In the end, God is in charge. And I could trust Him, would have to trust
Him, to create you, and your future siblings.
This is not to say that we don’t pray for perfect development, healing
in your body as you grow, for children born free of mental illness – I pray
that every day. But I must also trust
that I am not the one in charge; that I can trust the One in charge.
Several months ago when I was worrying and praying about
this, I felt a clear peace. I felt a
reassurance from the Lord that during the intensive prayer sessions Benjamin
and I went through during the last couple years, generational links of mental
illness were broken off of us, and off our future children. The focus of the prayer sessions was breaking
generational or ancestral links that are negative. In addition, it walked us through healing for
our personal lives, for any significant negative incidents that damaged our
spirit. It was a little weird at times,
and very intense.
The prayer sessions for me took months of weekly meetings
with the wonderful ladies walking me through it. I almost gave up so many times. It was so hard to forgive certain people in
my past, to let God heal certain emotional wounds. Each week that I was tempted to call it
quits, I thought of you, Beta. I was
determined that you would not be conceived under the shadow of my own spiritual
bondages, and those of the generations before me. That any negative spiritual blood links
through my family would be broken before you came to existence inside my body. Benjamin completed the same prayer sessions,
but took him a much shorter length of time.
We wanted to know that our spiritual lives were in order, so you could
be conceived from a clean spiritual place.
I really feel the Lord has told me that something really changed as a
result of that prayer. That you will be
able to enter the world free of mental illness as it has been passed down
generationally.
This morning in my devotions I was reading the first few
chapters of Luke. This includes where
John the Baptist and Jesus are conceived, visits from angels, and more. The mother of John the Baptist was Elizabeth, which is also
my middle name. There was a time my mom
was studying this passage of Scripture, and came to me apologizing for naming
me after a woman who had to wait a long time to conceive!
You are my long-awaited one, just as John was to Elizabeth, and Samuel was
to Hannah.
This is what the angel Gabriel prophesied about John, to his
father Zechariah, in the temple:
“But
the angel said, ‘Don’t be afraid, Zechariah! God has heard your prayer. Your
wife, Elizabeth, will give you a son, and you are to name him John. You will have great joy and gladness, and
many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the eyes of the Lord.
He must never touch wine or other alcoholic drinks. He will be filled with the
Holy Spirit, even before his birth. And
he will turn many Israelites to the Lord their God. He will be a man with the spirit and power of
Elijah. He will prepare the people for the coming of the Lord. He will turn the
hearts of the fathers to their children, and he will cause those who are
rebellious to accept the wisdom of the godly.’ ” (Luke 1:13-17)
This is
what I am praying for you this week.
To be
great in the eyes of the Lord.
To be
filled with the Holy Spirit, even before your birth.
To turn
the hearts of people to the Lord.
To be
filled with the spirit and power of Elijah.
To
prepare our world for the coming of the Lord.
To turn
the hearts of the fathers to their children.
To
cause those who are rebellious to accept wisdom.
Your
generation will need this, Beta. The world
needs this. They need Jesus. They need people filled with the Holy Spirit
to deliver a message of power and forgiveness.
They need you.